Who am I?

I checked the clock. The numbers glowed green: 9:30. My sisters were all asleep, but I was still tossing and turning. Something felt off. I pictured my heart as a puzzle, the kind with a frame and pieces that simply matched up, not interlocked. A piece was missing. I wasn't quite sure what it all meant, but I knew I needed to talk to my dad.

 

I was a little apprehensive as I walked down the hallway to the stairs out of my grandparents' basement. A few weeks earlier I had been unable to sleep, frustrated and saddened and confused by the family situation. Why would God put my mom in the hospital with heart failure, then again with cancer? Why would He make my brother be born premature? Why did my dad have to spend so much time away from us, especially since Mommy wasn't around? Daddy had told me about Job, and I had been able sleep a little better. Now, though, I was supposed to be in bed. It was late, and Daddy was surely busy. But I had to talk to him. I knew that what was going on in my heart was more important than staying in bed.

I stood on the stairs and called out, “Daddy?” No response.

 

A little louder, “Daddy?” Nothing.

 

Once again, “Daddy?”

 

“Go to bed, Ali.” From the living room.

 

I mustered all my courage: “Daddy, I need to talk to you.”

Slowly, my dad came down stairs. We went back into the bedroom, and turned on the side table light. I explained the emptiness, the missing piece. My dad listened, and then he grabbed his Bible. He explained that what I was missing was Jesus. That I was a sinner, in need of salvation. That I could do nothing to save myself, but that Jesus died on the cross and rose again to take the penalty for my sins. That if I asked in faith, if I repented and turned from my sins, that God would forgive me, and make me His child. That the Holy Spirit would come and live in me. That the emptiness, the missing piece would be filled.

 

We talked for a long time. I remember it being after 10:00 when my dad asked, “Do you want to pray tonight or wait for tomorrow?” I considered briefly, then decided, “I better do it tonight. I might not feel like it in the morning.”

So that night, I became a Christian. I was saved. My life was forever going to be different.

Since that night a lot has changed. I am older, and hopefully I'm a little wiser. I am married, with a daughter of my own. One thing, though, has not changed. I am still a beloved child of God. I've had ups and downs, periods of growth and periods of wandering. Yet God has remained faithful. He has carried me through the most difficult parts of my life. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Jesus took a sad, lonely, angry 9 year old girl, and brought her into His kingdom. He saved me from my sin, and placed the righteousness of His Son, Jesus, on me. I need not fear death, nor sin, nor Satan himself, for I have been saved by grace.

I find my life purpose is now most clearly explained in the Westminster Larger Catechism question and answer #1:

Q. 1 What is the chief and highest end of man?
A. 1 Man's chief and highest end is to glorify God, and fully to enjoy Him forever.

All I do or think or write or say I try to filter through this lens. I don't do it perfectly, by any means, but it is a work in progress. I invite you to join me as I continue to walk this path called life and see what lessons I learn along the way.